Nervous Wreck (nervewrecker.multiply.com)

It's Noel. I'm sticking with Noel.

Maybe I should go for Noel 2? Or Noel the Second. Or just Noel? Hmm.. Noel Noel?

I'm sick and tired.

Dear nervewrecker,

Did I tell you I got my new car last week? Knowing me, you would have guessed it. I don't think I should have told you anything at all.

I am thinking of a name for my baby. Do you have any ideas?

Should I name it Noel? Piranha? Snowy? Ryan?

Help me.

Yours,
me

It could be a sign of premature ageing. Hang on. I could not possible age SO prematurely, can I? I haven't even gone through my mid-life crisis, hello!

Come to think of it, when does one exactly go through a mid-life crisis? It's not like we know exactly how old we would be when we die. I know it's morbid, but let's just say that if I die at 40, would I have already experienced my mid-life crisis at err 20?

Which brings to memory (aha) what a life I had at 20. It was one of the most tumultuous stages of my life. Seriously bad. And good, and bad. Well, not so good mostly. I think.

So anyway, as usual, mind wanders off (sorry you)... la la la..

Like back to my topic on my failing memory and I, I suspect that somewhere behind the back of my mind is a little something who works discreetly to sieve my thoughts and the memories I store. Really, I think so.

Like before I came online I had a couple of things on my mind (see?) that I meant to look up. Important stuff I think.

And now I am sitting nicely here in front of my pc, I cannot for the life of me, remember even one word of the stuff I wanted to do. Sweet.

If I ever have to diagnose this as a medical condition, I'd tell people I have acute-short-term-memory-loss-of-things-UNconcerning-work. Because I think there's a pattern here emergin. I can remember things to do at work, but never when it comes to stuff like this. Like what I cannot remember.

And speaking of work, I cannot believe it. Ever since I started my not-so-new-now job back in January this year, I have never had a case of Monday (or whatever day) blues. Serious. I haven't had that deep sinking feeling I used to stomach back in my old job. I have never once dreaded coming to work. If there is ever one good thing that happened to me in 2008, it has got to be this.

This is a bit off-course, but it's impromptu so here are some things I would like to do in my lifetime. Off the top of my head, in no particular order, here they come..

1. Bungee-jump (but with someone, anyone, just so I won't feel so afraid)
2. Stand on the Great Wall of China
3. Snorkel (like if I ever get into the sea)
4. Adopt a child
5. Lead in worship
6. Visit Hillsong
7. Go to Rome
8. Fly a kite (my brother never let me do that when we were small because he said the glass thread may cut me, but I think I'm old enough now?)
9. Row a boat (I've been in a canoe but it's not a boat is it?)

That's it. I am sorry I can't think of the tenth thing I would like to do.

Yes, I am that pathetic. Shoo.

Dear lovely people (and otherwise - I meant the lovely part),

You must be wondering how come I don't talk about the happenings in my life (which, by the way, is as exciting as a durian tree - don't ask). You must be wondering how come up until now there is not a single picture of me here.

Truth be told, I am not a blogger. Ha ha. Gotcha.

I, err... do this to entertain myself. It's a form of escapism for me, to rant and rave to a passive medium that will never turn its back on me. Not that I have ever had anyone done that to me. Or perhaps they have, but I am just too blind to read the signals? I don't know.

And as usual, my words have once again eluded me and I think I am on the verge on veering off course from what I needed to say here.

Enough said.

And on a lighter note, I need to get out more. I think.

Oh, and I got a brand new baby. It's a gorgeous white car, and I am still thinking of a name for him. Yes, my car is male. Ok.

Isn't it amazing that of all the billions of living people in the world, you are privileged to be you. I mean, have you ever wondered why is there a you?

Like when you are really alone, have you ever taken a moment to think deep, and really search your soul for who you really are? Like have you ever questioned why you exist the way you are and where you are and what you are?

Never mind. I know that feeling when it comes. It's mind boggling ever since I discovered that I have this tendency to question my existence many years ago. And it's the same old feeling I have had over the years.

And when it comes, I know that I want to be alone with a Coke (or some carbonated drink) and a straw. Don't ask me why. It just has to be that way.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm suicidal or something.

It's just that sometimes, or many times I just felt so blessed that I am given this life when there are so many others dying. That I am just an ordinary person living a simple life to be given such privilege to be alive everyday is beyond my comprehension.

I wake up every morning thankful to have one more day alive, though sometimes my life is not always how God wants it to be.

I'm learning everyday to be more sensitive and patient, and to see things through God's eyes.

There's still a long way to go, but I know that "God has plans for me; plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Today, I am really thankful for all He's done. I really am.

And I give God all the glory.

I got my Hillsong album today. Yay.

I'm having knots in my tummy. Now. I don't know why.

Maybe it's because of that dream. I don't know. Or is it because Noel is leaving?

If only dreams come true as easy as they appear. I could have dreamt all day, and night, and do nothing but dream.

Oh well, that's life. C'est la vie.

To be sung to the tune of Noel the carol

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
I'll always love you for who you are
Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel
It's time I send you to where you belong

I can't believe how long it has been. Noel has been with me through ups and downs, tears and laughter, anxiety and excitement, weddings and breakups, and most of all he has remained faithful to the end. Though not quite the end I would have imagined. But as they say, all good things come to an end, and I'd like to think that Noel has been a wonderful companion all these years.

And so, here's a toast to Noel. Kling Kling.

Now go back to work. Shoo.

I remember writing about this, but because it is so important I want you to know it. So here it is again.

And because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
And because I know
He holds my future
And life is worth the living just
Because He Lives

Today being Good Friday, I have this burden to share the good news of the gospel with you. Jesus died on the Cross, bearing all our sins and shame, sicknesses and diseases upon himself, that we may have life and life abundantly. His death has defeated the powers of darkness upon this earth, and the very fact that on the third day He rose again from the dead shows that even death could not hold Him.

Why, you ask, would God send His son to die for the world? And to think that this happened long long time ago, before even the birth of the forefathers we knew? The answer is simple.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish but have everlasting life.

God is love. And He loves you.

You may think that nothing is worth living for, and that your life amounts to nothing. You are precious in God's eyes and your life is precious in His sight.

If you are thinking of throwing away your life, STOP. Before you do that, give your life to Jesus first. Let Him take care of it, while you take a back seat. And I dare say that God never fails. He has never failed me yet

I am not, and have never been a religious sort of person. I don't wear any crosses, nor do I have any crucifixes at home or anywhere near me. Christianity to me is not about performing religious rituals or sticking to a tradition.

Christianity is simply giving your life to Jesus, and believing that God has a plan and a purpose for you, and knowing that you are a child of God. And when God is on your side, no one can be against you.

Today, God wants to touch you and give you these miracles

1. The miracle of forgiveness in exchange for the burden of your sins
2. The miracle of healing in exchange for the burden of your sickness
3. The miracle of deliverance/peace in exchange for the burden of your confusion

If you are one of those who really desire a miracle of a new life, then Jesus is waiting at the door of your heart, ready to come in and give you peace you have never known. He is alive, and he wants to be alive in you as well.

Here is a prayer you can follow as a declaration of your decision to accept Christ as your personal Saviour.

Dear Lord Jesus,

I admit that I am a sinner and I am in need of you and your forgiveness.  I want to turn from my sins and follow you completely.  I  believe that You are the Son of God who died on the cross for me and all my sins; you were buried and rose to life again.  I accept the Father's gift of eternal life through faith and belief in you alone.   I receive you as Lord and Savior of every part and area of my life forever and ever.   

In Jesus' Name.  Amen

This is not an attempt to convert you into a Christian, it is something very good that I have experienced over the years. And when you have something good, you just want to share it with someone.

I cannot believe that my first entry here was in January 2005. I am amazed, really. The fact that I have kept my so-called blog running for three years is, quite a feat. By my standards.

Back in those days where the word blog never existed, I have attempted to keep accounts of my thoughts and ramblings in cutesy pretty girlish diaries. And as usual, my writing endeavours then hardly ever saw those pages being fully utilised because I usually stop short of reaching the middle section. Hah.

So yes, I am amazed that I have passed the three-year mark of my first ever online blog. Hooray hooray.

But of course you won't find here details of my personal life or accounts of the interesting and juicy adventures which I encounter, like http://penglin.multiply.com/journal/item/103/My_weekend_date_Part_1 and http://penglin.multiply.com/journal/item/105/My_weekend_date_Part_2. I, for one, don't wear my heart out on my sleeves, especially in public. Maybe I should. I don't know.

So, I intend this blog to be mine, to write what I want and feel for my personal entertainment. Of course you are welcome to be part of this, if you can take it. I can't believe some of the things I wrote. Where did that come from?! But looking back, this is who I am, and what I stand for, and what I believe in.

And no one is ever going to change that. 

I thought to write something intellectually stimulating here, but as usual my other side got the better of me. What other side? Oh I don't know, just the side that is not that intellectually-inclined I suppose. Like I really don't know.

I need to find myself. I mean, I know that I can stand on the promises of God, but surely there is something better I can do than to err.. stand? After all, standing won't get you anywhere baby. It's the walking, running, or better yet flying. And so probably that's why we humans are not created to fly. Especially me. Because then, me with the ever fickle minded brains that I have, goodness knows where I will end up with my wings stuck somewhere up in the Swiss Alps. I doubt that will happen, even if I could fly, because hey Europe is halfway across the world, and the last time I flew I got sick of being on the plane for 11 hours.

One more thing is I need to get my focus back. Like really really focus, concentrate. I don't know, but it could be what happened over the years that made me irrelevant to things and people around me. So dear God, please I beg you (!!) to let me have a sharp mind (which I used to, if you could remember) and take away my sarcasm (I can live with a lot less of that), and let me have what you know is best for me. Because sometimes I don't. :)

Help me to think nice thoughts and be nice and to say nice things. And for all those times I can't be nice, let me see the world through Your eyes. And of course, remind me to always be quiet if I don't have nice things to say. Yikes, I AM quiet most of the time...

Happy Easter, people. Be very glad that here is someone who sacrificed to save you.

Kawan-kawan sekalian,

Here is a little something from my little brother that I want to share with you. I don't know where he got his creative ideas from, but I most certainly did not inherit them.

And just for the record, we do not share the same biological parents. Yes, please go ahead and speculate.

So here you are... ta daaa

POLstar aka Rockstar
(original song by Nickelback)

I'm through with standin' in line
To vote waitin to get in
Standin under the sun
And knowin we’re never gonna win
This land hasn't turned out
Quite the way we want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house
like the one Zakaria have
And a bathroom where cabinet meeting will be held

And a king size tub big enough
For MIC
(Yeah, so what you need)

I'll need a... a credit card that's got no limit
And a big white jet like exactly Najib’s
Gonna join the Datuks’ club
At some cheap permit mansion
(Been... done)

I want new Mercedes with lots of APs
Sipping Tehh Tarik with Rafidah Aziz
Somewhere between BB and
Imbi is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I'll just have to bodek  for fortune and fame
I'd even implant my hair and look like Sam

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be big POLITICIANS
And live in hilltop houses, driving 50 cars
The MONEY come easy and the NASI LEMAK come cheap
We'll all be filthy rich and just won't care
And we’ll appear on front news page
As the VIP hitting the big GONG
Every good ass kissers
Gonna wind up there
Smilin, tryin to be funny
With rented tux

And well...

Hey, hey, I wanna be a Politician
Hey, hey, I wanna be a Polstar

I wanna be great like CM without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up rakyats
Shake some fellas hands
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quesadilla, *laughs*)

I'm gonna spend my cash

with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to my mistress’ mansion
Gonna date a newscaster that loves to
Blow my news for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

I'm gonna kiss some ass
For fortune and fame
I'd even shave my head
And look like Nazri

'Cause we all just wanna be big POLITICIANS
And live in hilltop houses, driving 50 cars
The MONEY come easy and the NASI LEMAK come cheap
We'll all be filthy rich and just won't care
And we’ll appear on front news page
As the VIP hitting the big GONG
Every good ass kissers
Gonna wind up there
Smilin, tryin to be funny
With rented tux

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With Sam, Ong, Wiwi and

Naj K.J too
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got Musa
and Ah long on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a POLstar


I’m gonna block those bloggers
That says the truth
Gonna sue the newspapers
and buy the tv station


Mat rempits are mat cemerlang
Gonna get them help us to promote BARISAN 


Well we all just wanna be big POLITICIANS
And live in hilltop houses, driving 50 cars
The MONEY come easy and the NASI LEMAK come cheap
We'll all be filthy rich and just won't care
And we’ll appear on front news page
As the VIP hitting the big GONG
Every good ass kissers
Gonna wind up there
Smilin, tryin to be funny
With rented tux

And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With Sam, Ong, Wiwi and

Naj K.J too
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got Musa
and Ah long on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a POLstar

Hey, hey, I wanna be like Samy

Hey, hey, I wanna be like Najib

Long time ago in Bethlehem, I believe that my brain was working at a fuller capacity than it is now. I like to think that smart was the word for it then. Now it is no more than a blob of mass with its twists and folds and its deep recesses of slimy (eww) brainstuff (because I don't know what you call them) sitting nicely in my little head (or medium? or big?).

But of course I also like to think that I have a tiny wee bit of intelligence left, enough for my survival and also for my daily judgment of things that cometh my way, sight, hearing, touch, whatever.

So then, why on earth can I not be smart enough to be brilliant enough to be as brainy as Einstein, or as witty as one of those guys who hosted the Oscars, and whose name completely eludes me now, because my brain's memory power seems to have shut down.

And oh, speaking of memory power, I once heard of this supplement that they sold through those direct selling networks that could boost your memory. And these people swear by it, and they gloriously extol the wonders the supplement did to their schoolgoing kids and how well they fared in school, yada yada yada.

Now I am thinking, how can they not have them when I was in school? But then again, maybe they did. And my parents were too poor to buy them because they were busy earning money to put food, proper healthy nutritious food on the table to feed their hungry little girl. And I was a really hungry little girl then. Now. Hmm..

And come to think of it, if I had taken those supplements or whatever they call them, then I would be stuck with both pleasant (yay) and not-so-pleasant horrid malufying memories from yesteryears. And that would be disastrous, because bad memories are meant to be wiped out forever, not hidden in the back of your mind and coming out occasionally to give you that bad feeling.

And then, I would permanently be living in a hole for the rest of my existence - because that's how I felt when I am reminded of horrid events in my life; that I wish somehow a crater would form right below where I am and swallow me whole.

On second thought, I'd also like to be returned back to earth in one nice piece after the crater is done with its swallowing, because actually I love life and I'd like to live for a while more on earth. You see, I am not quite finished with things on this side of eternity.

And then I would have to go through that process Kate Winslet did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where she had her memory removed permanently. I did not watch it, but I thought it was one of the nicest movie titles I have ever heard.

As usual, I got sidetracked and have totally lost where this was going. And there's this slight interruption in the form of a phone call from my mum's friend. Which was ok, because I like talking to her. Which brings me to another thing - talking.

Now you see I like to talk, but it depends on my unpredictable mood swings. And boy when it swings it is like an unstoppable pendulum and you can never guess which direction it is heading to. So you see I am actually a quiet person but sometimes I just can't help talking. It's like the clockwork train in Enid Blyton's books that never stops running. And that also reminds me of Noddy because his head never ever stops nodding.

I mean can you imagine somebody who never stops nodding? That would be so freaking weird. Do you want to jump off the cliff now? Ans: Nods
Can I have RM100 Ans: Nods
Do you think I am pretty? Ans: Nods
Do you seriously think I am pretty? Ans: Nods
So maybe if I ever have a Noddy-like person for a friend, I would only ask him/her questions like the last two above? And that would so make my day, everyday. I think sometimes simple things like these are amazing.

And someone once called me amazing. I am amazed. I mean, how can I not be amazed to have a really amazing guy himself call me amazing in front of other equally amazing people. So there you have, I hope you are not amazed at the length I can go on.

But of course now, my quest now is to work my brains out til they become superintelligent but that would probably need some, or maybe a whole lot of superhuman effort.

So, in the mean time I would be contented with having the creative mind of say, Walt Disney. Isn't he amazing?

I must admit that I have never been so politically aware in my lifetime. In the March 8 elections, the Opposition has wrestled four states (Penang, Perak, Kedah and Selangor) from the ruling BN coalition, while Kelantan remains as PAS' stronghold. The people have spoken. I did my part, but of course I won't tell you who I voted for. Duh. But some of you already knew, but don't tell ok.

Still, it is a major upset especially in Penang where the Opposition made a clean sweep of both parliamentary and state seats they contested in. Gerakan big guns were defeated, and even Tan Sri Dr Koh Tsu Koon has volunteered to relinquish his leadership post within the party. It is a rude wake-up call for the BN, who has been in complacency for decades.

This is the time for the BN, especially the defeated ones to take stock of their direction and do some soul searching.

The question is, will the Federal Government still lend their full support to these new Opposition-led states for the benefit of the people?

It is certainly a time of uncertainty, especially now in Penang. But if DAP holds on and keeps its word as outlined in its manifesto, then Penang is in for something good.

So then, Penangites, brace for change, and pray for the nation.

And surely God is sovereign and faithful, and He will see to it that this nation is in good hands.

As I said, I am proud that my vote counted. And that I played a part to define the future of Penang, and the nation.

Dear me, it has been a long, long lapse of silence here. Silence is deafening huh. But no news also means good news right? Sadly no. Barely a month into the new year, one of my ex-classmates passed away. We don't really know the real cause, but it had something to do with a deadly and rare viral attack on her brains. I saw her for the last time at the hospital and I can't imagine this was how she would be. Makes me think how I will die one day. I just can't help but feel morbid all along the way. That night, she slipped away, never regaining consciousness since lapsing into coma a week before that. I had such a hard time sleeping that night, and the few nights after that. It was not something that you can accept easily, especially when it is a young woman who had the future waiting for her. Why do people who commit all the imaginable (and unimaginable) crimes still walk this earth, and people who deserve to live taken away.. I can never answer this question, and it remains a why. And will always be.

So my friends, strangers, goodfellows, have mercy on others and love yourself, love others. Never be rude, and always treat everyone with respect.


This post is dedicated to May Ling, whose life has touched mine, and will forever be remembered.

It's November, and that only means one thing. Or two. First, we all know that Christmas is around the corner. AND so is my birthday. Yippee. Hooray. Do I sound pathetic or what?

I have been offered, and have accepted a new job, in a new office, literally, because the institution I am joining will move to their brand new office next year. So, well, new year, new job, new office, new colleagues, new responsibilities. NEW NEW NEW! Though I will miss DNDi and the team and the opportunities, the time has come to move on. It's the cycle of life. Come to think of it, I wonder how the generation before me managed to stay in a job for 30 years. Can you imagine that? Being at the same place of work, and practically growing with it. I mean, I just cannot see myself doing that. And with this change of career, I definitely am not in the running for the longest serving employee award.

Ok la. I should probably change my title to Update. I don't have anything else to update to the public world. Or should I? No la, one will do. So please, my friends, go back to your own life and maybe it's your turn to post some update(s) yourself..

These past few weeks, have been, emm, sort of trying, weighing options, planning, rethinking priorities, setting goals, all that. Ok, it's been crazy. So to lighten things up, I'd like to come up with a list of my favourite things, in no particular order of course.

- Mee Rebus at Taiping Casual Market (or Cashier, or Cashew, whichever la... only the mee rebus matters ma)
- Jawa Mee at Eaton Coffee Shop, Penang
- Murtabak Malaysia in Plaza Perbandaran, Taiping
- Sitting on the big marble slide in Taiping Lake Gardens
- Walking in water (because I can't swim)
- TVB series
- munching on nuts
- sleeping
- sitting in a car (with someone else driving, of course. You think I like to sit in a car just like that, duh)
- buying kacang putih
- kacang rebus from Taiping
- chicken pie from Ipoh Bakery.... in Taiping, heh!
- playing water in Burmese/Austin pool or any pool also can la
- watching the Sun set or rise
- watching the Moon
- a dog named Tua Pooi (translated: Fatty), the only dog in the world I am not scared of.
- Saturdays
- chicken bun from Fajar bakery
- chicken curry puff from King's confectionery!

And I realised that most of my favourite things are related to the stomach. Well, call me a glutton, but no food, no life. So, there goes..

Now I'm just thinking. Is it worth sacrificing hours that you may not be able to redeem slogging off at work, simply for more money? Or for a more dignified way of putting it, to climb up the career ladder, and neglecting all and sundry that come in the way. That is, would you compromise your life, the one you had (or still have) outside the spheres of your working life so you could succeed in what we have all come to know as the ruthless man-eat-man corporate world of backstabbing and office politics and nepotism and cronyism and all the -isms and what ever -tics.

Would you, like many others out there, who think our lives should revolve around our careers, forsake the little pleasures of life, I don't know, maybe not so much of stopping to smell the roses (there aren't many roses on public paths for us to do that anyway) but just to remember what it is like to leave your cubicle or room and still make it before sunset.

Tomorrow is the day of reckoning. I cross my fingers, heart, toes, and anything else that I can cross (except my eyes of course) that I will not have to make that dreaded choice.

And then I'll be the happiest person in the whole universe. Or otherwise.

Contain: wheat, gluten, sulphites
Recipe: no nuts
Ingredients: cannot guarantee nut free
Factory: product made in nut free area but nuts used elsewhere

This was printed on the back of a pack of biscuits produced in the UK, sold in one of the hypermarkets here in Penang. I just turned into a crazy nut reading that!

When you go to Tesco, go to the section selling biscuits and cookies, then look out for the Tesco Value Rich Tea Biscuits. Grab a packet, and read the words printed under the Allergy information section. After reading, proceed to laugh and cackle like a wild hyena released from the net (don't ask what net). And hiss at anyone who gives you funny stares.

You can also check out other Tesco Value packaging for more laughs. Who says shopping are stressful!

This morning I woke up at 6:30 am! That's like 3 quarter of an hour earlier than usual. My mission today was to prepare my own lunch. So semangat hor. On a Monday somemore. First, boss is on a 3-week break, hence the stress-free life temporarily. No Monday blues for 3 weeks. Yay.

Lunch was very simple only, I only need to blanche the spaghetti, and prepare the gravy from minced meat and mushrooms using the ubiquitous Prego sauce. Heh. Easy right? Since my cooking skills are virtually non-existent, and my culinary adventures in the kitchen are as rare as the Abington Island giant tortoise (I googled rarest animal on Earth, and this came up as the rarest living creature on Earth, but because there is only one lone giant tortoise called Lone George - what a name, this species is as good as extinct - sorry for the interruption), I half expected my lunch to be in ruins (like the ancient Borobodur in Java). Well well well, after almost 45 minutes of preparing, actual cooking, and cleaning up, my lunch was ready and packed. I was so proud of myself. But then again, it's not like my first time with pasta. I can cook pasta any time of the day.

The only regret I had was I cooked too little. Still, it was one of the best lunches I ever had. Bravo!! *Clap clap clap*

Now go away.